I assume everyone has seen the obnoxious and/or funny Mac ads where a rather talented comedien plays the PC.

Well, they sort of inspired me. I point out that the Puritans don’t exist today so there is no one who is directly being targeted here. I do think there are some bad tendencies in the Reformed world that we would be wise to outgrow and this is hopefully a humorous encouragement to do so. However, I continually meet people who 1) believe things that I don’t agree with and 2) are devoid of the attitudinal problems I have observed in connection with them, and are in fact 3) exemplary models of Christian character that I myself come short of and aspire to. (In other words, I can’t read what I wrote without feeling convicted about past words and attitudes myself–and some all too recently).

So with those caveats in mind…

PRESBYTERIAN

Hi, [glances up from slim yellow book] I’m a Presbyterian.

PURITAN

And I’m a Puritan… [Looks over at Presbyterian.] So what you’re reading there?

PRESBYTERIAN

Oh, its just a little classic by the Eastern Orthodox scholar Alexander Schmemann, For the Life of the World.

PURITAN

[Get’s puzzled concerned look] Is it safe to hold that so close to your face?

PRESBYTERIAN

Uh, yeah. I have to to read it. Have a look. [Hands book to Puritan].

PURITAN

I don’t know. [Relunctantly takes book] I thought only Banner of Truth books were safe for contact.

PRESBYTERIAN

Hmm… No. I read Eastern Orthodox, Roman Catholic, some mainline Protestant, and lots of generic Evangelical books all the time without any, uh, danger. What do you think the danger is?

PURITAN

uh, Uh, UH…. C H O O ! [Drops hasitly hands book back and steps away] Is that not obvious? [sounds nasal] Viruses! Viruses can really slow you down and compromise your system. You’d better drop that before your system is compromised too.

PRESBYTERIAN

Thanks, but you don’t have to worry. I’m a Presbyterian. We have a discernment function that protects us from viruses.

PURITAN

If you say so, but I don’t think I can afford to be too careful. [blows nose]

PRESBYTERIAN

Well, maybe we can find a safe book. What i don’t I go get you Calvin’s Institutes, or Turretin’s?

PURITAN

Actually, except for certain select passages, those are just as bad.

PRESBYTERIAN

Oh… I’m sorry to hear that…

PURITAN

[Coughs deeply]

PRESBYTERIAN

Are you sure that’s from a virus? It sounds more like a hyper-allergic reaction.

---

PRESBYTERIAN

Hi, I’m a Presbyterian.

PURITAN

And I’m a Puritan.

PRESBYTERIAN

We each have things that we do well.

PURITAN

That’s right.

PRESBYTERIAN

For example, I can do fun things like celebrate Christmas in church and preach on the joy of the Resurrection during Easter.

PURITAN

And I can do fun stuff too, like preach on human depravity and condemn others for violating the Regulative Principle of Worship.

PRESBYTERIAN

Uh. Okay. What I meant by fun stuff, was, well, fun stuff like… Well, it hard for me to see children getting happy about the Regulative Principle of Worship.

PURITAN

Oh I disagree.

PRESBYTERIAN

You do?

PURITAN

Yes, for example, when I preach on the Regulative Principle of Woship I can make some jokes about Lutherans and Baptists that the children can tell their friends. They always love that.

PRESBYTERIAN

Sounds hilarious.

PURITAN

It is!